Training was tiring..
but yet i enjoyed it..
i enjoy the feeling of pain..
knowing you'd really trained..
putting in your 100%..
trainings just gonna get tougher..
its all in the mind guys..

I really miss you..
do you miss me too..?

Jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul, yeah

You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c`mon lets try
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
There is nothing left to hide
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your soul
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You beautiful soul, yeah..

Fitness test..
18 chin-ups per minute..
64 sit-ups per minute..
2 sets of 73 and 72 push ups per minute..
9.37 minutes for 2.4km run..

Improvements galore!
i'm very much satisfied..
but that shouldn't stop me..
cause i still have room for improvements..
my 2.4km timing dropped by 9 seconds..
still very much glad with what i achieved..
couldn't have done it without you! =)

I just couldn't disappoint you..
and i'm glad i didn't..

Fitness test tomorrow..
just gonna put in my best..
praying for improvements..
i feel stronger but i've also gotten heavier..
kinda cancels everyting out..
lets see wad happens..

Thing's going much slower..
still learning always..
to give wholeheartedly..
to appreciate..
to just fall.. =)

You'll be on my mind tomorrow..
through the pain..
know i'll make it..
for you i will..

I feel lyk thing's are moving quickly..
but yet i don't want them to stop..
i wana feel and grasp this feelings..
and not just let them flow freely..
i don't wana end up lyk the last time..
to not have control over my feelings..
i'm not saying i should hold back..
but at least try and take things slowly..
i feel things can progress abit slower..
for me to fully grasp the feelings..
cause i really want this to work out..
and time is on my side..

Don't wana be too sticky..
don't wana be too rash..
and i don't wana hurt you..

Expectations bring disappointment..
don't expect anything cause i'm not expecting myself..

Can't help thinking bout you..

Storm has been weathered..
everything looks fine again..
thanks for everyone's concern..
appreciated.. =)

When everything's against the odds..
and you have such great people by your side..
anything's possible..
i love my life now..

I'm falling..

I don't know where to start..
just too lost for words..
didn't want to write them down..
but couldn't find alternative outlet..
tried to game those feelings away..
but i know i have to blog them down..
if not i'll feel even more terrible through the nite..

When one wound just healed..
only for another to open..
this time, i falied to cherish..
something that i always took for granted..
now everything's crumbling..
right infront of my eyes..
since young when you use to tear..
cause your parents quarrelled..
till when you were a kid..
you shouted at them to stop..
they turned their backs at shouted at you..
now..
you really don't care anymore..
cause you're numbed..
after going through since young..
you learnt not to care..
but this means so much to you..
cause you pity your sisters..
especially your youngest..
she's only 11 this year..
she's going through what your going through..
but so much more..

FAMILY..

Rowing at Kallang today..
rowed 52 mins non-stop..
tiring but very satisfying..

Ate double chocolate with chocolate chips..
must be too heaty or sumthing..
now i have inflammed tonsils..
i have easily infected tonsils..
could lead to sore throat or fever..
every shallow hurts..
i dun wana fall sick not now..

abby rocks..
she said that not me..
LOL..

Everything's fine again..
not bothered anymore..
words that needed to be said..
are said and understood..
i'm glad to have you as a friend..
now i shall not look back..
but move forward..

I want these feelings stay..
cause you're special.. =)

Training's getting tougher..
always being pushed to the limit..
your body wants so much to give up..
but your mind keeps it going..
the exhileration of muscles aching..
i relish that feeling..
what doesn't kill me makes me stronger..

Been thinking lots lately..
how do i accomodate..
everyone..
everything..
and of course myself..
so that whatever i do..
i know its the best outcome..
so that i can look forward..
and live without regrets..

Just want everyone to be happy..

Is it just memories or something more..
i've always believed that it was more to this..
i stood still for you to come find me..
i tried to make it back to you..
feel as though i owe you so much..
somthing happened shook me..
of everything i use to stand for..
wavered my feelings..
now i'm at a T junction..
its either left or right..
one way leads to the risky unknowns..
the other so very heavy traffic..
and you dont know where each will lead..
which one will you choose..?
i can't decide..
this is so gonna take so long..
i don't hate this feeling..
just so very confused..
constantly thinking..

i so hate this feeling..

Training was dead tough..
body felt totally wrong..
must be the alcohol..
binge drinking ain't good..
especially if trainings the next day..
been feeling heartburn since rowing..
gosh the feeling's terrible..
pukey kinda feeling..

i know i shouldnt be doing this..
what i've been doing..
isn't it as good as backstabbing..?
but feelings come..
i ain't sure of everything myself..
time will tell i'm sure..

God give me a sign..
any sign..

When trust becomes a burden..

Results out..
passed all subjects..
very very lucky..

God blessed me.. =)

First time drunk..
i can't totally sae i'm drunk..
but semi-conscious..
still know what i'm doing..
but just little oblivious to everything..
and yea i puked..
guess i had a cup too much..
never felt so good before..
just downed few cups..
its only when you started leaving..
den you feel the sensation..

Things done were not foolish..
but meant of how i felt..
thing's i never managed to do while sober..

i'm not drunk just high..!

Evanescence - My Immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Friday
Went for driving lessons..
haven't really got the feel..
sharp bends are hard to navigate..
headed to expo..
climbed a little..
open to public anyways..
headed to east coast..
started drizzling..
the strong wind..
and mild rain..
very relaxing..
cleared my mind..
reached Joanne's "BBQ"..
met some new random ppl..
hanged around..
headed back home..

Saturday
Cousin's wedding..
held at Odeon Katong..
inside there's a church..
Cornerstone..
first time attending a church wedding..
pastor talked about death..?
and eternal life..?
kinda awestruck by everything done..
headed down to Sheena's chalet..
ate till i was bloated..
chit chat a little..
played few rounds of mahjong..
walked home..

Sunday
Rowing at Kallang..
back to my usual routine..
trainings..
headed down to expo..
watched ppl dyno themselves..
astounding jumps..
headed back to DTE for dinner..
home sweet home..

Things happening over the past days..
brought many questions to my mind..
but i shall not seek any answers..
for the answers might bring more questions..
i'm just living life day by day..
step at a time..

i truly believe there's a upper being..

Picking up the fragments..
that makes me..
me..

I'm just so tired..
just mentally fatigue..
this phase of my life..
was too rough perhaps..
why do i keep stumbling..
smashing people's dreams as i stumble..
dampening people's spirits..
i'm a wet blanket..
i can't seem to really enjoy myself..
to really just let go and have fun..
living in this despondent state..
it been long too long..
and its taking a toll on me..
am i at fault to be being lyk this..?

If only you were here..
but heck..
you have your troubles..
since when was i one of them..

Had i loved too deeply..?

Do wishes come true..?

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Soccer-ed in the morning..
thigh felt crampy..
still feeling it..

Training started today..
great to be back training..
tiring though but its gonna be worth it..

gonna be fully utilising the holidays..
means that i'm gonna be real busy..
competition coming soon..
increased intensity of training..
wana faster complete my driving lessons..
i'm gonna be real tired i guess..

just so confused..
but slowly standing up again..

Spent my last 2 days at home..
with my family..
i feel that this is where i should start..
afterall this is where i begun..
rebuilding the ties that bind me again..
family, friends and me..
to do things for these..
make time for these..
enjoying my life..

Trainings resuming very soon..
i'll be busy for most of the week..
with the other dates most probably booked..
training, driving lessons, family and friends..
i'll need time for myself too..
its gonna be a busy holiday..

i've finally understood..
i'll come to terms with everything..
i'll come to peace with my inner self..
i just need time to really heal..
re-learn to live life on my own..
do things for my own..
love myself again..

I feel less than a person..
filling that gap again..
with nothing but me..

so this is the end i guess..