Last day of 2005.. its been a great year on the whole.. hmmm.. let me just tell you the substantial events that affected my life in 2005..

1) Left secondary school moving on to tertiary education.. Temasek Polytechnic for that matter.. had great classmates.. hung out pretty often.. we're played hard and studied maybe not as hard but good enough.. lol..

2) All my wonderful friends i spend time with.. and helped me through some torried times.. i really appreciated it.. i love all of you.. you guys know who you are.. =)

3) To all involved in PRCSNPCC i hoped that Ms Salinah's leaving will not be thought of as a closure of an era.. but a bright new chapter for all of us.. let us work together and bring our unit to a new level..

4) You came into my life.. i was felt so blessed and blissful.. i was content with just you around me.. but it all started so quickly.. maybe it all happened so fast that we didnt grasped it tight enough.. that's my only regret for 2005.. i hope all this can change i want to prove it all to you.. but i think that you're happier without me around.. i'll do anything to make thing easier for You.. even if waiting reaps no rewards.. i'll still wait.. i still love you.. alot.. just too much.. you're always on my mind.. may your life be ever so smooth sailing...

looking back at last year's resolution dated 2nd January 2005 for this year..
1) maybe i did change for the better.. maybe in the later part of the year.. but it was too late..
2) went back to school often to help out.. teach and mentor.. guess i fulfilled that criteria..
3) yea.. i tried spending more time with my family and friends..
4) yea i love myself.. but there are sometimes i just do stupid things to hurt myself.. i managed to found someone to love too but it all ended as soon as it started..

Resolutions for 2006 :-
1) Do well in my studies.
2) Continue to be a mentor to the cadets and push PRCSNPCC to a new level.
3) Love my family.
4) Love my friends.
5) Love myself more.
6) Love You.

God, if I can't have what I want, let me want what I have...

Woke up at 9.50am to register for my CDS for next semester.. Chose Sociology, Psychology and Problem Solving Techniques.. wanted to go back to sleep but the sun was shining abit too brightly and i went to maple.. Joel called ask whether want to go swimming since its such a fine day.. hesitated at first.. but thought of why not.. havent swam in a very long time anyway.. decided to meet at 1pm.. Shihan pillioned me there as i was too lazy myself to cycle.. adding on to my injury.. we reached Downtown as expected Joel was late.. me and Shihan just loitered around first.. near the swimming pool.. i saw you.. told Shihan he turned then continued walking.. i turned around to see you again and you were lookin right at me i think.. i quickly turned back and continued walking.. met up with Joel.. and proceeded back to the swimming pool.. but you werent there anymore.. kind of disappointed but thats life.. swam for 1 hour plus.. the sun was on off on off.. got abit of a tan.. after swimming i went to get some food.. while Joel and Shihan played pool.. left for home afterwards..

Dear God why must you do this to me..? just when i was beginning to settle down again you made me see her again.. are you trying to tell me something..? or was it pure coincidence.. seriously i really didnt felt like going swimming but some mysterious force made me go.. was it fate..? when i turned and she was looking.. all the memories came floodin back into me.. although it was only a few seconds.. it felt like minutes as i stood there looking at you.. this time my heart could no longer have any doubts.. i do love you..

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it...

Went to TP this morning to play soccer.. with Minkay, Gabriel, Jeremy and his friends.. hurt my left ankle again.. reoccuring injury.. hurt the metatarsal bone of my right feet.. hobbling as i walk.. painful! went home bathed changed went back to TP.. this time to play tennis.. with Shihan, Gerald, Cassandra and Jeremy.. although it was drizzling, we had lotsa fun.. want to do it again soon.. maybe we should play every week..? exercise frees my soul from all the pains..

I was selfish.. too selfish.. i caused things to be this way.. i didnt want to let you just go like that.. i fought and gave my all to make you stay.. i failed.. miserably too.. i felt that i could have made you happy.. maybe it was all meant to be this way.. i was too naive.. this relationship has struck me down time and time again.. the thought of you're not here with me is so devastating.. i'm too selfish.. i shouldnt be like this.. i'm so happy for you to see you being able to be You again.. the You that i loved and still do.. may you be happy always.. forever if possible.. if i could just see you smiling back at me again.. i'll be contented.. the smile that captivated my heart.. even just thinkin about it brings back so much wonderful memories.. memories so close to my heart.. they'll always be memories but nothing more.. eventhough how much i want it to change.. i'm still in the process of changing for the better me.. not just for you.. even after such a period.. i still see myself waiting.. mayb at a distance.. darent not get close.. cause you're too special and i should keep it that way.. i know you want me to be happy.. i'm to a certain extent happy, with what i have now.. this is a path i chosen.. i'll have no regrets.. only time will tell whether i really do love you...

For in the end, we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught...

Had NPCC campcraft training at 9.30am.. did some knots.. erected a flagpole.. went off had lunch.. went over to Shihan's house watched a show.. went home.. yea.. so here i am..

Since you left, my life has been in a tormenting situation as i lead a double life.. in the day everything is so normal.. but at nite, i am suffering alot from emotional shocks.. everyday different people try talking sense into me.. but feelings are something which will come involuntarily.. especially when i tink of the past.. i just couldn't let you go no matter.. although we have promised to stay as friends, we havent have had any contact since.. i know we need time to heal the wounds.. but till now i am still waiting.. for a day that you'll be in my arms again.. i know life must move on and i am being very silly.. but I really can no longer function normally in life as yet.. losing someone so important to me has partially killed me.. i really wonder will you ever accept me again cause you know deep down inside i still love you very much.. even if you turn me down again and again.. haiz.. i'll still be here waiting...

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give — which is everything...

Just had my dinner at home.. supposed to wake up at 7am to go to TP to hand in the report ,which i did till 3plus am.. then to PRCS for NPCC meeting at 8.30am but i was lazy den just slept.. Yigang called me at 9.30am.. he said Ms Salinah havent come.. lol.. nvm i changed and rushed down.. didnt discuss much.. at least we manage to erect a flagpole.. lol.. rushed down to TP afterwards to meet Nic and CK.. had lunch there.. Chris came along later.. Nic and Chris had to do their CDS quizzies.. CK and me just tried to help out.. headed for Joel's house.. met up with Shihan and Huiping.. Joel went to repair his flat tire while i cycled home on Shihan's bike.. changed, got my stuffs, met Joel again and headed for East Coast Park.. All i remember is that we just kept cycling.. Pasir Ris to Tampines to Bedok North to Bedok South then reach ECP.. i was real hungry cycled to Macs i ate MacChicken meal and a hamburger.. to the end of ECP turned back.. almost an identical route to go back to Pasir Ris just that we use more park connectors.. we dropped Huiping off at Tampines.. Shihan and me had to take turns to carry the bike back to Pasir Ris.. back-breaking work..

while crossing the bridge near ECP.. i stopped.. wonderful view.. the sea on my right.. a Qantas airplane in the sky and a beautful mist blending with the trees.. wished that you were there to enjoy the scene with me.. it would have been so much more perfect..

thought of you the whole way home.. kinda moody.. mood swings.. suddenly very quiet then very noisy.. memories gushing through my head.. eventhough i want to do so much.. there's nothing i can do now.. except wait...

i love you so much but i cant do or say anything..
for fear of hurting you again..
so i rather not do anything..
and wait..
i love you..
i really do...

Where there is great love there are always miracles...

Woke up at 11.30am today.. after constant bugging from my youngest sister and mum.. the whole family was preparing to go out shopping for clothes.. and i was still in bed.. i mean considering i slept at 3am they should have just went without me.. but no.. i had to eat my breakfast, bathe and change.. only to realise my father wasnt home from washing his car yet so had to wait.. then why did they wake me up..? Zzz.. anyway.. dad got home and drove us to Orchard.. all i remember was walking all around to look for Clarissa's shoe for the new year.. Cineleisure to Taka to Wisma than Taka again than to Heeren.. at least i got a long sleeved t-shirt from Esprit and a pair of engineered jeans from Levis.. good shopping day..!

i wish that you're still here.. my christmas would have been so much more wonderful.. new year's day is coming soon.. eventhough how much i yearn to see you again.. i know i wont be able to spend it with you.. i just wish i could go back in time.. 17/10/2005.. 7 plus pm.. just start anew.. and not let things go wrong again.. to be able to love you.. care for you.. just being there for you...

you're locked.. right in my heart.. and i lost the key to let you go...

Merry Christmas to all.. sorry for the late wishings stayed at Joel's house on Christmas Eve.. got Gerald, Shihan, Joel, Jeremy, Minkay, Weiqiang, Huiping, Crystal and me.. had more of a movie marathon thanks to the DVDs provided by Weiqiang.. played cards and mahjong.. slept at 6am.. woke up at 9am.. feeling very groggy i went back to sleep.. this time till 11.30am.. rushed home bathed changed for the Christmas Lunch.. met up with everyone at around 1pm.. total got 12 people.. Ahmad, Cassandra, Jeremy, Shihan, Tiongli, Weiqiang, Minkay, Gerald, Crystal, Huiping, Joel and me.. had Fish and Co.. the fish and chips quite good.. couldnt decide on where to go afterwards.. thus, we went different directions.. i headed to Joel's house for some gaming.. went home got my bike.. while i was cycling towards the junction near the cc.. i saw you with you mom, aunties and a cousin i think.. you were wearing a blue OBS shirt with white shorts.. was it you..? then Shihan called me.. i picked up.. all i could see now was your back.. you just kept walking.. i was wondering did you see me..? it all happened so quickly.. headed to Shihan's house to get the roller blades.. met up with the Gerald and Joel near the Overhead bridge.. Cycled to Pasir Ris Park.. met up with Huiping and Crystal.. they took our bikes while Gerald, Shihan and me bladed.. it was fun burning stuffs at the pavillion.. but we were so engrossed that we only realised Crystal lost her phone at we left the place.. went back to search but to no avail.. i was at fault too.. the phone was supposedly in my pouch =/ So sorry Crystal.. things just dont go the way you want it to.. i felt so irresponsible..

Wonderful memories of us just keep coming back to me.. you're always on my mind.. through the day and night.. i wonder how are you doing..? was this fate..? while i was going home from Joel's house.. i purposedly walked under your block just to maybe catch a glimpse of you.. but it wasnt to be.. you never left my mind.. i got home, grabbed my bike and headed towards Joel's house.. again you never left my mind.. then i saw you at the junction.. although we didnt had eye contact.. your presence was enough to make so happy afterwards.. was it fate..? or was it meant to be..? i hoped i touched the beings above us.. cause i really do still love you..

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for...

Just got home.. 1am.. Lol..

Woke up at 7am today.. no not exams.. promised mum i followed her to her X-Ray session at CGH.. reached around 8am.. Dad fetched us there, thats why so fast.. had to wait like 40mins just to enter the X-Ray room.. the best thing is my mum was its first patron for the day..cant imagine this is Singapore and the standard of healthcare is so high.. how come must wait 40mins when your the first person to do it..? the scan took like 1hour..? waited like crazy.. but had my trusty mp3 and sister to bother me so time passed pretty quickly..

Next went to Eunos area to get my sister's mp3 repaired.. rushed back to pasir ris cause i had agreed to play badminton with Shihan, Jeremy and Gerald.. Joel just finished his exams so i called him along too.. the rest played around 3 hours.. Gerald left earlier cause he had to catch a movie.. i had 2hours cause i was late.. sweated like crazy.. blood pumping.. adrenaline rushing.. lactic acid burning.. it felt so good..

Got home bathed and got out again.. to Tampines Mall this time.. went to check the teppanyaki shop along with Shihan, Joel, Jeremy and his brother, Gabriel.. whether the shop is opened on Christmas Day.. although we cant book it would be opened so we're gonna have a small gathering over there with some friends =) Decided to go over to Parkway to play pool.. smashed a few balls into the holes.. walked around Parkway Shopping Centre.. all of us met up with Stella.. since she was working there and would be ending work soon we decided to wait.. Gabriel left first the rest waited.. she ended at 10.30pm..? lol..? we being abit sick the mind kinda people still proceeded to play pool afterwards..? for a short while by the time we walked out to the bus stop it was 12plus am.. thinking we havent missed the last bus we waited.. we even crossed over to the other side of the road just to see whether there are buses there.. waited waited waited.. we gave up and just took a bus going to Bedok.. Halfway through we gave up and dropped.. split into 2 groups and took a cab home..

Yeah.. so here i am blogging..

Flashes of you came to my mind so often.. i'm trying so hard to push it away.. but the more i push it.. the strong it comes back.. there was a moment i just sat there and felt like crying.. i just held my tears back.. listened to my mp3 turning up the volume.. shutting out everything.. its so hard to let go.. but i'm trying..

True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly..

Love is the best medicine, and there is more than enough to go around once you open your heart..

I'm not sayin i'll find another girl as wonderful as you are.. but there are many types of love.. i love my family.. i love my parents no matter how irritating they are.. i love my two sisters for bringing all the joy to me.. especially my youngest sister.. i love all my friends for sticking with me through this period of my life.. wouldnt have gotten through without all your pushings.. you guys know who you are.. Thank You so Much..

Even if it will take me a lifetime, I will wait for you till you come back.. I do not want to love another other than you.. I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who can't take your place in my heart.. Your always a very special person to me in my heart...

Left with 1 more paper.. dont feel like studying.. today's papers were okay okay ba.. can pass.. no mood to do anything.. there's only one thing on my mind now.. haiz..

Hope you liked the Christmas present i gave you..

Should be able to pass EMaths paper without too much problems.. still got SSMat, Dfund tomorrow.. and EDEVCKT the following day.. time to really sit down and study..

再试着了解我的爱
发不出声音的感慨选择作朋友的无奈
提醒我何时该走开
只要你偶尔想起来我就住在那片海那片海...

Just came back not too long ago.. went out pretty early today.. for the Carnival at SP.. reached at ard 1pm.. met up with gerald.. walked ard realised that some of the better selling stuffs stalls closed liao.. sian.. even the lucky draw aso over.. dam sad.. bought a few snacks.. played a few games.. den left.. went to Bugis Junction.. met up with Chris.. Shihan collected his stuffs we walked ard.. went to Centrepoint cause Joel had somethings to do.. waited for him.. he did his stuffs den moved on to Tampines Mall.. Jeremy had to get something too.. so we all went.. went to Pavillion.. played pool.. Chris wasnt too happy playin pool den went on to play DOTA.. my saturday.. it was enriching followin frens ard to get their stuffs done.. get to know them better.. they know me better.. just enjoyin ourselves.. i'll be there when they need me..

But...

I feel that something is missing in me.. something that was so important.. and still is..
something's always lacking.. i miss you.. i miss you so very much..
i miss your company.. just being with you was enough..
i miss the way you treated me.. nothing could be better..
i miss you for bringing all those memories i cherish so much with my heart..
most of all.. i miss your ever wonderful smile.. that never fails to brighten my day..
i miss you..

True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending...

Havent been updating sorry.. due to SSMAT test practiced abit on thursdays than just slacked.. went to Chris's lecture for CDS didn't felt like going mine.. he's was about racism.. pretty cool.. shan't say anymore.. just incase..

Just came back from Peter's Birthday celebration with some friends.. Happy Birthday Peter.. went to kbox and i slacked.. didnt really sing.. i went there for more of other reasons.. she came alot later.. she looked happy.. thats good.. she's happy.. i feel so much better.. although i could feel like she was kind of forcing herself to have fun with the rest.. i could see that she was real tired.. she was avoidin me sensed that pretty easily.. i just sat there.. glanced at her whenever i could.. and helped her when she needed.. looks like she has hit the "refresh" button.. and starting life anew.. but what about me.. i'm stuck.. i just cant.. i never ever took so long to get over someone.. so hard to forget her.. is this true love..? walked her home.. cause its pretty late.. we didnt talk.. she was just msging.. while i walked beside her.. it was as if nothing has changed.. i felt happy.. just walkin beside her.. its been so long since..

Trouble is part of your life — if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough..

Had Dfund lab test today.. i was on the 2nd shift so can come 1 hr later.. which means more sleep.. got ther early as usual.. i'm always early for class.. =) lab tutor told us to start first.. i patched my circuit and quickly when to test it out.. keep trying and trying.. eh why the result all wrong.. asked for help.. tutor came.. checked this checked that.. eh..? all my connections are correct.. wasted like 10mins than she sae.. oh your trainer (the board that holds all your connections. e.g LEDs and stuffs).. i was like WTF? hurriedly went to use the next trainer.. fixed everything u again.. flicked the switches.. the LEDs showed all the correct results.. next step was the oscilloscope.. lucky i managed to get all my waveforms very fast.. Lol.. aftwards just breeze through everything.. God must be playing a prank on me..

Just came back from running at the park below my house.. had the sudden urge to just forget everything and sweat myself out.. running allows me to forget everything thats bothering me.. everything that hurts.. running allows me to ponder on thoughts keeping a clear mind.. best of all running makes me feel so much better and calmer.. i just love the feeling of feeling the lactic acid pumping in my legs.. you feel so weak.. you want to give up so badly.. but you keep going and going.. round aft round.. its all in the mind.. just like life.. although there maybe setbacks.. as long as you put your mind to stand up again.. you can.. no matter how hard..
should have a good night's sleep tonite, havent had a good sleep in quite a long time.. the only way to sleep well is to tired myself out..

I'm still learning to stand up.. can you help me..?

I've woken up.. although the things you said still hurts in my heart.. the facts are finally etch into my stubborn heart.. the truth hurts.. i've never embraced it till now.. thank you.. nothing from others helped.. i just wouldn't listen.. it all had to come from you.. though how hard your words are.. i don't blame you.. i needed and i deserved that.. its hard to let go.. but life's like that.. i should embrace the facts and not differentiate them and live in my own world of deception.. now you shall just be kept in my heart.. and our wonderful memories in my head..

Life's like that...

Life's nothing.. without you..

The pains unbearable.. its just getting worse day by day.. life's getting gray-er.. i can only see one path.. and where its leading to.. i do not know.. but theres no turning back.. i have no more strength or will to get me out.. as they sae let it be.. let it be.. i'm walking down the aisle of death.. even you may not be able to save me from my suffering.. i'm not listening to anything.. just let me be.. i think i'm suffering from depression..

Your love was my life.. now that the love is gone.. life is dead...

What have i done to deserve what i'm going through now..? why is she treating me so cold now..? so unfeeling..? no consideration about how i feel..? we had a good talk ytd.. and i thought it could only get better.. why cant i shake off the problems and burden off me..? i have so many questions.. but no solutions.. everyday of my life has been lyk this.. i choose to be this way..? no.. i didnt.. i want to get all this shit off me.. but i cant.. i'm witheld by something in me.. something that can overcome all barriers.. Love? i'm not sure myself.. life's just so unimportant.. so uneventful.. friends are all here and there about.. but something so precious is just missing.. like a finished jig saw puzzle missing a piece.. lost that piece and the puzzle will never be complete.. finding the missing piece i had and lost.. will i find it..? don't think so.. but i'll continue finding.. the question is till when..?

Time will tell.. i hope..

I think i think too much.. just sitting there allows my brain to wander.. i think about so many stuffs.. nearly everything.. the more i think the more i worry.. kinda scary.. so i just shut myself up by turning up my mp3.. blocking out everything other then the blasting of the music.. makes me so much better.. been thinking about life too.. my life is so monotonous.. calm and peaceful.. the way i like.. so much so that sometimes i just want life to just slow down a little.. the pace of living in Singapore is just too fast.. people tend to neglect so much.. their friends, family and loved ones.. just wana have a cuppa coffee with some buddies watching people go by.. while we just relax..

Term tests coming next week.. so soon.. have 4 major papers.. need to start studying.. havent been really listening to the lectures.. just not in the mood to.. at least there's a break aft the term test.. and ya Christmas and New Year's Day is coming.. should start thinking of my resolution(s)..

How is it possible to just not think of the person you love with all your heart..? i just don't know how you do it.. its just too hard for me.. don't think and you'll forget..? you think so..? tts just not how i work.. my heart is still so much with you.. it not that i don't wan to let go.. but shouldn't i follow my heart..? i've always been feeling so strongly.. that you're the one.. the one for me.. shouldn't i pursue wad i really feel..? i'm so confused..

Impossible is only possible when you stand there and do nothing..

Life's a journey.. not a sprint..

Talked to you just now.. did wad i set out to do.. gave you a rude awakening i guess.. you just needed to pour it all out.. i'm always here for you..

Ironically.. i got a wake up call.. from many people.. but i cant seem to wake up..
i let you all down.. i'm sorry.. i cant let go..

Woke up early.. when to play soccer near TP.. muddy field.. to make it worse i was wearin my street soccer boots.. slip sliding all ard.. had 3 chances.. first shot straight at the keeper.. second i hit the bottom right pole.. third i hit the crossbar.. bullshit.. and i got tackled twice that made me fall flat on the muddy floor.. got a scratch on my face too.. disfigured.. lol.. got back home.. mum and i when straight to the washing.. brushed and scrub.. till all's clean..

Had a talk with Gerald over on msn.. thanks for your concern.. and thanks to all my friends who care for me.. i really appreciate it.. we had an exchange of perceptions.. facts.. its nice.. to be able to do such things.. we should do it often.. but you could not talk me out of it.. cause its just too hard.. even after putting the facts right infront of my face.. i still cant accept.. i just cant.. even though im willingly strangling myself.. Gerald i know its hard to see me lyk that.. and to all those concern.. just let me be.. this is my only way out..

Life is slightly better now.. though still not that good.. in life you have to learn to let go.. but i cant seem to.. i just cant.. my love for you is still strong.. its not fading.. why..? can someone please tell me..? i'm contented to see you being able to live through this period with such ease.. i'm happy for you.. how abt my life..? theres nothing much to be happy about anyway.. life's so empty.. so grey.. without you.. i remember i once told you.. you must not leave me.. cause your just so important to me.. and nothing has changed..

If you dont try, you'll never succeed.. if you die at least you know you died trying..

Slept till late 10.30am i tink.. havent had such a good sleep this past week.. decided to go to Snake's place to catch a movie.. Schindler's List by Steven Spielberg.. it was rated M18 for some nudity but who cares.. i had to get my report done for my CDS.. need to evaluate the character, Oskar Schindler, on he's leadership stuffs and bullshit.. Basically, he's a German during World War II who took the oppotunity to exploit the Jews in Poland for his enamelware factory, making pots and pans.. through the movie he changes.. from using the Jews as slaves to using he's hard earned cash bailing them out of concentration camps and move them to his factory where they will be safe.. he managed to save around 1,100 Jews from being gassed in the camps.. enriching movie although abit too long ard 3hrs plus..

Life has to go on somehow.. as the saying goes when the going gets tough, the tough get going.. i will stand up.. what i have of you now are just memories.. the sweet memories you gave me.. you'll always be in my heart, mind and soul..

Believe in love, believe impossible...

Happy Birthday to my sister, Clarissa!
Your 14 & please grow taller.. Lol..

I'm evil..

to that someone who is so special to me.. i pray that you recover from your bad cough.. see a doctor if the coughing persist..

took number 3 home aft CDS ytd.. could have stopped at near my house.. but when to the the mrt station.. just to see you.. gave you a call.. you told me not to wait.. my heart dropped.. i decided i shouldnt persist.. i half-heartedly said ok.. bye.. and hung.. felt kinda lost.. but eventually made my way to the bus interchange.. saw so many people lining up.. just stood around.. waiting to take any bus that takes me home.. saw number 12.. i wanted to go.. but i hesitated.. just felt wrong to go up.. i stood.. and waited for another.. i turned around.. i saw you.. happy sad feeling.. didnt know what to do.. tapped your shoulders.. you looked surprised and asked.. eh you still here..? didnt want to her feel like i was waiting for her.. i lied.. ya.. because the buses all full got no seat.. soon another 12 came.. we boarded the bus.. exchanged few sentences.. you kept coughing.. someone called you.. you ended up talking to the person till your block.. while i just followed beside you.. i wasnt sad.. i was happy.. to be able to see you in person made me happy.. we got to your block.. you turned around and said bye bye.. take care.. although it ended so abruptly.. it all just felt so right...

Her that i love, i wish her to be free
even from me..

---End---

Words you said to me keeps recollecting at the back of my head.. i miss you.. i think about you.. i darent contact you.. for fear of disturbin you.. you relish freedom.. i tried to not tie you down.. i failed.. too miserably.. now your avoidin me and giving me the cold shoulder.. no one to blame but my own..

When i had you, i failed to treasure you.
Now i've lost you, i realised how important you are to me.

Life hasn't been as plain sailing.. time passes so agonisingly slow. your always on my mind.. i feel so weak mentally.. all my happiness just flows away from me.. if only you were still here....

You call it madness, but I call it love.

**I'm sorry Joel for abandoning you on Saturday.. although i promised you already.. i had my reasons.. Sorry..

---End---

Feeling more or less better now.. kinda cleared up the mess in my life.. confusion stl haunts me.. memories tt come and go makes me down one moment.. and happy the next.. mood swings.. probably not.. just messed up.. fucked up life.. failure haunts me.. god hates me.. life's not fair.. everyone knows tt.. but i never had the chance to come back.. even though i thought i deserved to.. i was left to die.. but you pulled me up and gave me a death sentence for no reason.. why pull me up when i'm gona die anyway..? but i'm willingly serving tt sentence now.. why ? i'm gona suffer till when.. i don't know.. till one day you pull me out? would there be such a day? i don't know too.. life's uncertain anyways..

Where there is love, there is pain.

--End--

Pity?
Blame?
Melancholy
Lonely?
Disappointed?
Crestfallen?
Love?

Confusion....

Deception makes you feel like everything is fine.. You cant face up to reality.. Deception is alot less painful..

I love you
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I am with you