the past that made me who i am today.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The holidays are over.. Thanks alot to Joel for arranging such a wonderful gathering of friends.. really appreciated.. great to see everyone again.. having so much fun.. maybe i left out Crystal and HuiPing cause i was playin blackjack but never mind.. we'll meet up again soon i hope.. went to catch Fearless at Orchard.. nice show.. lotsa actions and matrix like effects.. alot of fighting with some blood and gore.. no wonder its NC16.. anyway need to get ready for my presentation tomorrow...

Saw you today.. even opened the door for you, kinda unexpected cause i was going to throw rubbish.. abit stunned.. at first i felt down.. went to Joel's room to catch a breather.. lotsa thoughts went through my mind.. i decided to just act normal.. didnt want you to feel that anything is wrong.. but deep below my veil.. i wasn't too well.. just kept glancing at You.. seeing you're smile again just felt so much better.. the feelings are etched into me already.. I Love You.. no matter how much i want you back.. i know.. i cant be selfish and just ask you to drop whatever you have now to be with me.. i'm not worth it anyway.. you're happy now and thats what matters.. i'm just another person that crossed your path and nearly brought you down.. I'm lost.. pretending to be nonchalant...

You'll never read this message anyway.. you never will...

Blink of an eye 2 days of CNY passed.. visited distant relatives that i see once a year.. caught up with one another.. its good to meet them all again.. but i feel like its because of CNY den we bother to do this.. wouldnt have time to catch up any other time.. anyway.. thank all who sent me sms blessings.. really appreciated..

I was waiting even till now.. for just a greeting of some sort.. it never came.. i'm not sad or disappointed.. pretty much expected it.. haiz...

The greatest love is not seeing yourself being with the person but loving the person even when you know you cant be with the person...

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Spring-cleaned my room today.. threw away lotsa thrash.. it feel so much better to be in a sparkly cleaned room.. =) proud of myself.. lol.. cause its been quite long since i really sat down and tidy my room.. anyways.. went to Pariss at TM for Reunion dinner with my paternal side.. had the usual CNY fair, Fa Cai Yu Sheng.. the food.. lotsa variety.. some were sumptuous.. most are average.. mostly seafood.. allergic to crustaceous, i'll get a bad itch.. so just stared at the prawns and crabs entering my sister's mouth.. lol.. they are of high cholesterol anyway (sour grape).. lol.. ate till very full.. accompanied my Grandma to 2 temples.. the one at Geylang was empty.. the one at near Bugis was pretty packed.. got home at 10pm...

Grandma is getting older.. she doesnt think before she says anything.. it hurt to hear.. shouldnt take it to heart.. i understand her difficulties.. she was the one who singlehandedly brought me up, when my parents were working.. i'll spend more time with her...

Clasped the joss-sticks in my hands and prayed for You.. for my family and me..

How absurd.. i'm looking forward to the 3rd Day of Chinese New Year more than the 1st and 2nd..

How ironic.. i've been complaining about wanting to see you again so much but i'm dreading the day that i'll see you..

Life...

Friday, January 27, 2006

Wasnt late today.. haha.. i reached a whole 30mins earlier.. actually i always reach school like 15mins earlier.. i'm a good student.. =) finishing my JAVA project soon just need to tweak it up abit.. stuck through all the lectures today.. followed Chris and Jeremy.. wanted to see clothes.. happy that they bought something..

Went downstairs to jog.. love jogging.. its like something so wonderful.. with no one but myself.. pushing my body.. lap after lap i tell myself thats the last i've run but i just keep running.. running and running.. pretty amazing what determination and motivation could do.. pumped up my adrenaline lap after lap.. just kept running.. stopped and felt high.. better than any drug.. cool down both for my body and my mind.. my mind would just think.. of all the things i did and said.. its like my whole life just ran through my head.. i love myself.. i love all the wonderful things that happened to me.. i love life...

Fallen in love with my blog's song.. so meaningful to me.. almost like telling my story..

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover..

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

You left to allow me to appreciate life.. You never left my mind.. I Love You...

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Woke up late today.. lesson at 9am woke up at 9am.. lol.. somehow my alarm didnt ring.. lucky mum woke me up..

she was like...
mum: What time's your lesson..?
me: 9am.. (still lazing in bed)
mum: now 9 already leh.. (in a shocked tone)
me: huh?!!!? (got up straight away), why my alarm never ring..?
mum: eh.. mine also..
me: ??? (LOL..)

Guess i was spared cause my mum's alarm didnt ring too.. lol.. if not i would have gotten a earful.. heng...

Missed PSPS lesson thanks PeiNing and MengKim for presenting on my behalf.. CKT test maybe can pass ba.. EMaths should be able to..

Met up with Gerald after school at Orchard.. he wanted to get some clothes.. so walked around.. played pool after.. Chris came.. Gerald went for class outing (makan hot stuffs at Indo Restaurant).. Chris wanted to get some clothes too walked more.. met up with Gerald, Eileen and Ele.. went to eat.. did something that i really wouldnt have done.. lol.. walked more.. went home.. =)

A simple life is all i ask for.. today was enjoyable.. spendin time with my old time and new friends.. it just good to have people around you chatting having fun together.. been pretty long since i felt that feeling again.. should do this more often..

Somehow.. no matter how i immerse myself.. i find my mind wandering.. looking for you.. but i know.. my thoughts can only go this far without any actions.. i'm not thinking of doing anyting.. other than just waiting.. dun wana hurt you again.. you've suffered enough from me.. i'm at a point of no return.. living on the edge of life...

I still hold your hand in mine.. In mine when I'm asleep.. And I will bear my soul in time.. When I'm kneeling at your feet...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Finally got to see my buds again.. although i was only for a short while.. it just feels good to be hang about with them again.. left early to cut my hair.. my long bushy hair was quite irritating.. cut it shorter.. feel alot better..

Will you persist if you think you can make the person happy and the person can make you happy.. ..? feel that the person is just so special to you..? show so much love, care and concern for..? feel she's the one for you for the rest of your life..?

I dont know...

protecting you silently..

Love You Always...

Other girls will come along, they always do.. But what's the point when all I ever want is you...

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Am i really clinging on..? no communication at all from me to her is clinging on..? i rather go through all this myself than to go disturb her life she has found back again.. i used to message her every few days.. but now..? its been 3 long weeks.. since i last told her that i wouldn't communicate with her anymore.. my love for her still so deep within me.. she was important.. and still is very much in my heart now.. ZhenHong told me to control.. yes i am doing so.. 3 weeks is a very long time for me.. everyday my heart longs for her.. and everyday i think of what we used to do the place we used to go.. it hurts.. it hurts every single day.. do you really think i wana go through all this..? do you think i dont wana let go..? you dont know how it feels to want to message someone you love, care and treasure so much.. to only think, she'll not appreciate your words and worse she might find you a pest.. you all just don't know what i'm going through.. life hasnt been the same without you.. i cant adapt.. i tried. failed.. tried.. failed.. back to where i've begun...

Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys...

Monday, January 23, 2006

Why am i still so in love with you..? seriously.. i dont know why.. but i seem to want to care so much for you.. i just wana do something.. something.. but i'm scared.. for fear you'll find me irritating.. i really dont know which way is the way to go now.. cause it seems like doing nothing is the best thing to do.. i cant see myself holding out long.. i'll message you someday soon i guess.. when..? i dont know.. it all depends.. there were many times i could have changed bus halfway to go home directly.. but i usually take the whole trip to PR bus interchange.. just hoping and praying.. to catch a glimpse of you.. even from afar.. it'll be alright.. its been so long since i last saw you.. so very long for me.. i yearn to see you smiling back at me again.. i really do.. that dream just seems so far.. i've hit rock bottom of my life ever since you left.. so hard i couldnt stand up again...

The part can never be well unless the whole is well...

someone told me this

love has no time, season or reason. you cant ask it to stay but just be glad and thankful for one moment it was yours, meant to last forever. give her time. yourself too. i'm sure someday somehow, if its meant to be like what you feel it should, the flame can be rekindled..

true.. but what should i do..? pratically nothing..?

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Felt like messaging you today.. just wana know how you've been doing.. i even prepared the message.. but i froze just as i was about to send it.. something just stopped me.. in my mind, i was thinking.. how would you feel..? how would it affect you..? too much came to my mind.. i just deleted the message.. i'm just too useless.. a failure in everything.. relationships, friendships and even my studies.. people say life has a way of ironing out itself.. it makes up in whatever you lack.. somehow i cant find my niche.. something i'm good at.. maybe i'm good for nothing i guess.. life has given me so much.. too much i guess.. my material needs are always satisfied.. but i just realised.. what i really want out of life.. it isnt all that clothes i have in my cupboard.. the money i have in my wallet.. its You, all my buddies and my family.. but i came to realise too late.. way too late.. i lost everything...

i could feel myself plunging..

plunging..

plunging..

dead...

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Went over to Orchard today with my family.. must get my shirt.. if not feel very unsatisfied.. walked around.. all i remembered we kept looking at shirts to no avail.. felt very shagged.. last stop Far East.. kept walking.. finally saw a long sleeved shirt that would go well with the jeans i was intending to wear.. yea.. bought it.. felt so much better.. a huge sigh of relief...

Walked passed those shops we used to walked pass.. brought back those times again.. the memories that i'll never relinquish again i guess.. hope..? just hangin on to whatever i have now.. which are the fabulous memories you left me with.. i seem to be drifting in the middle on nowhere.. turning away all help.. waiting.. waiting for you to pull me up.. i'm useless.. why am i doing all this..? for what purpose..? whatever i do will it make you come back..? all i know is.. I love you.. haiz.. lost...

Hope is nature's veil for hiding truth's nakedness...

Friday, January 20, 2006

Yes.. Gerald.. i'm lost.. i've been abandoned.. but there's only one way back.. my vibes, my feelings, most importantly my love is all flowing in one direction.. how can i based what's practical, turn the other way and just follow my mind..? its as good as going against myself.. its just that a chunk of me just left me.. the piece that held me together.. the one i threw away myself.. i'm not regretting what i'm doing now.. but i regret what i had done.. i hurt you.. so bad.. it never recovered.. till that day you told me you didnt felt anything for me anymore.. i brought everything upon myself.. i have no complains.. just let me be.. somethings cant be changed already.. i've resigned to fate.. fate will tell me everything i need to know.. i hope...

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart...

Thursday, January 19, 2006

If I fail time and time again does it mean I'm not the one for you..? are you looking for the one or someone who is willing to change to be the one..? am i worth only what you're treating me..? I'm selfish.. I've always believed that you're the one for me.. but am I really the one for you..? why do i feel so sad, depressed and helpless..? Dilemma.. Depression i guess...

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone...

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Just got home.. didnt update yesterday due to my CDS project.. too busy.. only had 4hrs of lessons today.. love tuesdays.. went over to CK's house to watch movies adter that.. argh.. still got my CDS presentation to do...

The tears have dried.. i just yearn to be able to talk to you again.. all the pain i caused.. i just wana patch up your wounds and give you whatever i can.. as long as you're happy.. i've always believed that you're the one.. the one i really love.. the one i wana be with for years and years to come.. maybe thats just not that possible now.. i know you really wana concentrate on your studies i heard.. i wish you luck.. i going to study hard too.. time things as they come.. my love is still here.. deep within me.. i'm waiting...

The reason is you...

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Slept at 3am woke up at 10am.. omg.. damn tired.. had breakfast, bathe and went out with parents.. still scouting for my shirt..! lol.. the lack of sleep made me high.. it didnt help when i had flu and popped a medicine which made me drowsy.. my head was like floating.. went to Bishan Junction 8.. while Dad drove had a short nap, felt so much better.. then to NorthPoint in Yishun.. all these heartland malls sell same stuffs.. -_-"' youngest sis had swimming lessons at Toa Payoh.. so walked around there too while we waited for her to finish.. headed to Heeren after.. got a long sleeve tee and t-shirt.. god damn.. still no shirt for me.. another day perhaps..?

During dinner.. i realised how important my family is.. just being there eating together.. made me think.. what will happen after my parents are gone.. how will my family like.. i just cant visualise life without my parents for now.. just had an argument with mom.. was filled with anger.. now remorse.. i just dont know how to treat people well.. especially the people i really love.. always taken them for granted.. how an i gona apologise now..? i hate myself..

I miss You.. its only in times like this then i feel your importance.. my regrets.. my pain felt in my heart.. my messed up life.. you were the optimistic one pushin me when i need it, always making sure i'm happy.. i'm the pessimist who grumbles and refuses to listen, and hurt you deeply.. haiz.. if only i could turn back time.. if only i could...

It is never too late to become what you might have been...

Played soccer in the morning.. havent played in awhile.. my stamina has decreased.. shooting keep missing.. dont know what's wrong.. at least i scored a goal.. some encouragement.. walked around with Gerald and Chris after that.. had lunch.. went home.. slacked...

I'm sorry.. however hard i try to forget you.. i just cant.. i want to do so much.. it hurts to not able to do anything.. i'm tired.. i'm lost.. am i wrong to pursue what i deem fit..? am i wrong to love the person i really love..? have been pondering over such things.. when it comes to the matters of the heart.. no one can really predict what can happen.. all i want is another chance.. will you give it to me..?

In all that we do let us do it for love...

Friday, January 13, 2006

Lessons at 8am today.. slept late last night.. woke up late felt kinda shagged this morning.. still managed to turn up early in school.. scraped through the day.. ended at 1pm so not so bad.. had lunch with Chris at WS.. walked around.. went home.. slacked infront of the computer.. thats what Friday's are for i guess...

The pain's gone.. what's left is my Love.. i want you.. back...

I live life everyday.. so that i can hope to see you for another day..

Someone told me this..
when you fear failure, you get failure..

when you fear loss, you'll be loss..

when you fear rejection, it'll be staring you in your face...

The rain finally stopped.. been awhile since i felt the beating of the sun's rays on my skin.. rained in the day as usual for the past few days.. getting into the groove of studying again.. thats good.. proud of myself.. the first step is always the hardest.. must take more initiative to study.. term tests will be coming real soon..! followed by Semestral Exams..! dont wana fail.. wana do well.. must strive harder.. long day today.. 9am to 5pm with lunch break at 11am.. then another break at 5pm.. CDS at 6pm till 7pm.. hectic.. real hectic.. no time to slack...

Stopped 2 bus stops earlier while going home.. just felt like walking in the cool weather.. the moon today is exactly the way We saw it while we were at PR park last time.. full moon in a cloudy day.. took my breath away.. the memories just flowed.. walked past WS primary.. yes it was deliberate.. just hope to catch a glimpse of you.. maybe i'm too early.. but i left it all to fate.. just continued walking.. past the overhead bridge.. went straight home.. no regrets.. its all meant to be.. if its suppose to happen.. it will.. if not, i'll not do anything about it...

Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Attended lessons today.. except for CDS.. dreading it.. cause it just sucks.. dont feel like going anyway.. when to take an MC.. played awhile at Pavilion.. went back to school.. Gerald came by TP so went to meet up with him.. along with Shihan and Joel.. slacked at the student lounge.. played pool.. den all of us went over to Gerald's house to help fix up his anti-virus.. although it was only Shihan doing the work.. lol.. i seem so much quieter.. why..?

The weather is just perfect.. the splattering of the rain.. the ocassional cool breeze.. perfect to just fall asleep and dream of You..

Tryna live life.. trying to get back the Justin that i was.. but so much has happened since.. it has changed me.. made me think so much.. the more i think.. the more i worry for myself.. my family.. and friends.. and of course You.. someone told me about your hectic schedule.. Your archery competition's coming up soon.. practice has been more frequent and longer hours.. i hope You pull through this and come up tops.. I want You to win the competition.. You've sacrificed so much of your time and effort.. i may not be there for You.. but i'll always be here for You.. there are times where i feel i can do so much for You.. but the past has taught me not to do anything.. i fear failure.. i fear loss.. i fear rejection.. but most of all, i fear to not love You...

My life is my message...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Tired.. just got back from shopping.. walked all around Suntec.. cant seem to find a shirt for CNY.. just a proper nice short sleeved shirt.. saw many long sleeved and tees.. got a nice Esprit tee though.. pretty much thats all.. the weather is just perfect.. gonna fall sleep soon.. school's at 8am tomorrow.. freak.. i'm dreading school somehow...

I'm still blocked by You i guess.. dont wana find out.. dont wana know.. cause it hurts.. even if You dont block me.. i'm not gonna do anything.. so why bother..? i'm confused.. my hearts pointing in one direction.. my mind the other.. Argh!!! i hate myself.. why am i so vulnerable when it comes to matters of the heart.. i told You i'll immerse myself in my studies.. but when will i really start to..? or will i ever start..? i'm just gonna sit down right here.. using anything that i can gather lying to myself that everything is fine.. studies, games, anything.. jam packed my schedule.. make myself so tired.. so that i dont think of You.. guess thats the best way.. i hope...

How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone...

Monday, January 09, 2006

School again.. kinda bored of school.. the subjects and all.. dont really understand.. maybe its just that i havent shown much interest.. i'm gonna study hard nonetheless.. scraped through the whole day.. my stressed subject of the day.. Java programming.. damn hard.. need to think quite alot.. ended 30mins late because of that.. had to rush down for a NPCC meeting.. got home.. love the weather.. so cooling.. going out to hunt for clothing tomorrow again...

My heart aches.. it really does.. maybe i'm too used to the aching.. now its like always there.. even when i laugh.. it hurts.. sometimes i'll try to escape the reality of what has happened.. but the achings pull me back to earth.. i've fallen too hard this time.. i wonder will i really stand up once again..? will i have the courage to love again..? all this has taken a toll on my everything.. my whole life for that matter.. ouch... my heart's aching again...

Care is the actualization of love assumed...

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Havent had a long sleep for a long time.. woke up late today.. felt great.. have been working pretty hard the past few days.. it rained the whole day today.. i love the rain.. but i hate getting wet.. went out with my family today.. still doing our CNY shopping.. got a casual NIKE shoes from Queensway.. Hahaha! and another pair of jeans from Bugis Junction.. Muahaha! i've found out that spending money allows you to destress in a way like no other.. no wonder the fairer sex love shopping so much.. pure satisfaction.. cant seem to find shirts though.. we walked around the whole day cant seem to see anything that catches my eyes.. more shopping on Tuesday! lol.. Omg.. its still raining.. ah! never mind.. great weather to sleep.. yay!

Time heals.. it really does.. i'm not sayin i've healed fully or anything.. but after putting down this burden and setting things right again.. i feel lighter.. just me.. pure Justin.. You left me those wonderful wonderful memories.. You're a wonderful girl.. the most wonderful i've met yet.. I Still Love You, alot for that matter.. but its time to set my priorities right.. relationships can come later much later.. right now i should enjoy my teenagehood and not sit and sulk at myself.. telling myself life's not worth living.. cause it is.. if fate allows it, i wish to be back with you again.. with no regrets whatsoever.. if not, perhaps friends or something more..? i dont know what life has install for me.. but i'm gonna be in it.. not just for the ride.. but to make the best out of it.. this has been such a enriching experience.. shook me up from my dream from a very long time.. time to do the right things...

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall...

Saturday, January 07, 2006

PRCS had CCA Open House today.. went back to help out for NPCC.. it rained.. on off on off.. hard to get things done.. the parents looked pretty impressed from what we have done it seems.. pretty tired after that.. and the weather made it easier to fall asleep.. had a little nap.. dinner.. watched tv...

Somethings are better left alone.. i shant do anything.. it seems the more i do.. the less you appreciate.. so much so that it even affects our friendship.. if you're gonna think so much of what's my purpose of doing all that what i've been doing.. well.. my purpose is just to show my care and concern for you.. yes.. deep down.. i still love you.. but why must it hinder our friendship.. no relationship = no friendship..? maybe its too hard for you.. maybe you dont need me cause you got so many good friends of yours.. maybe it all boils down that i'm just irritating.. its how you look at it i guess.. you relish freedom.. while i prefer the opposite.. its all meant to be.. fate you may call it.. i have no regrets.. not a single one.. i nevered regretted being with you.. deep down you're still there.. but there comes a time where reality kicks in.. i dun even know what's my status.. not even gonna think about it.. gonna indulge myself into my studies.. hope it pays off...

I'm who i'm because you love me... maybe its time to stand up...

Friday, January 06, 2006

Dragged myself out of bed.. 8am lesson.. woke up at 6.30am.. slacked my way to school.. skipped 2 lectures and when to the sport complex to support Dr William, who was tryin to get a Guiness Record for hand pedalling 24hours.. TP students basically took turns and ran through the 24 hours with him.. saw Joel running through the rain.. he look dam shagged.. i went home got my stuffs.. luckily the downpoured ended.. ran 15 laps.. not bad.. rushed for NPCC.. prepared the cadets for tomorrow.. much to do.. i'm tired...

I didnt mean to make you angry.. haiz.. why must thing always end like that..? i sincerely apologise.. hope you reply.. i'm regretful.. i hate myself.. always doing things that aint necessary.. i wana know.. understand.. and love you..

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven...

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Went to school today eventhough i got an MC.. great to see everyone again.. makes me feel slightly better.. quiet a wet day today.. cool temperature makes lectures and tutorials freezing! lucky i always bring my jacket along.. got back some results today.. not too happy with them.. practically slacked around the whole day.. wasnt in the best of state to study anyway.. give me another week to recharge myself!

Eeverytime i take a bus.. my thoughts would wander.. to You of course.. just thinking about all the wonderful memories i had with you around.. its really beautiful and peaceful.. just You and me.. You left such a deep impression in my life.. that ever since you left.. i'm not longer the Justin i use to be.. life just seem so grey.. something so important was torn out of me, forcefully.. it still hurts.. its still hurts as bad.. now i'm just sitting at a corner licking my wounds.. allowing my wounds to heal.. but still waiting.. waiting for You.. i need You..

I'm always here for You.. Always.. All You need to do is call...

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain.. They steal your energy and keep you from love...

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Didnt go to school today.. Fever was bad.. it was all cold in the morning.. just slept.. woke up at 10plus.. my body was feeling out of sorts.. was running a pretty bad fever and had phlegm in my thoart.. had porridge and saw the Doc at 2plus.. got 2 days MC including today.. just in case.. need more rest.. feeling slightly drowzy from the medication..

i wana message you you much to tell you how i'm feeling.. i even saved the sms.. but send them to you would just be hurtin you.. so i deleted them anyway.. haiz.. i wana do so much.. but feel so restricted.. controlling my emotions.. and praying.. that what i do will pay off.. i need some rest.. may i see you in my dreams.. miss ya...

Woken up by my mum.. she was quarelling over the phone with my grandma.. she told of how the divorce was inevitable unless my dad apologise to her sincerely and whole-heartedly.. sounds easy but both of them are stubborn people.. they both think what they are doing is right.. i wish so much to be able to just not listen to all this crap that hurts me.. i feel so "numbed".. divorce then divorce cant be bothered with them.. i'm not worried for myself.. i'm scared but i shut myself out.. telling myself everything would be fine.. i'm more worried for my sisters on how they gona take it.. hope my illness kills me.. maybe thats the only way out.. then everything would be fine again.. then my parents would treasure one another and keep the family together.. what i can do now is to act as though everything is fine.. so that my parents wouldnt be worried for me.. its taking it toll though.. i hope i pull through..

I wished I had You with me through this torrid times.. at least life would seem less bleak.. and more purposeful.. but thats out of the question i guess..

Suddenly my parents have made up i guess.. i dont know how.. i mean they just come back and look as though everything was fine.. they talked too.. pretty amazing.. anyway.. just hope it lasts.. God answered my prayers.. will he answer the one prayer that i really want answered..? time will tell...

I pray to God may You be blessed.. Exceling in whatever You do.. may Your life be filled with happiness.. & all Your friends by your side.. may You find the one that You will love.. & may that person love, care and protect You.. if not i'll always be there for You when you need me..

He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything...

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Just when you though life was bad enough already.. well it just got worse.. down with a bad flu, the soft palate of my mouth is sore and now i got fever.. i think i've got a virus infection.. i heard that if you feel down you're more likely to fall sick.. i guess thats what happened to me.. aint the best starts of a year.. i hope i pull through..

First day of school was lousy.. i mean i felt lousy.. school started at 10am and ended at 3pm with lunch break in the middle.. it started with just the flu and sore but come the end of the day.. i felt cold and jittery.. luckily had my handy jacky around if not i would have practically froze in the cold tutorial rooms.. rushed down to PRCS planning for the CCA Open House this Saturday.. headed home.. "popped" a panadol fell asleep.. just woke up.. ate my dinner.. thinkin of whether to go to school tomorrow.. if not must take an MC..

The urge to just drop you a message is back again.. every reply i get from you makes me feel just that much better.. you're my messiah.. no one will pull me through this other than you.. only time will tell.. i'll pray for your wounds to heal.. and may God give me another chance to prove myself to you.. i miss you so very much.. i miss your everything.. i so willing to change for you.. the problem is will you be able to experience the changed me..? i love you...

If it were not for hopes, the heart would break...

Monday, January 02, 2006

Down with a bad flu now.. keep sneezing every few minutes.. and my nose keeps running.. argh..! feelin terrible.. took Clarinase gonna sleep soon.. supposed to go out to Queensway SC with my family but a quarrel broke out between my mum and dad.. my perception was that.. it was a misunderstanding but i guess past events boiled over.. and they just shouted across the house at each other.. just thrashing everything out.. they even contemplated divorce.. me..? i cant be bothered.. just sat in my room.. to bother is to be hurt.. everytime also like that.. there were a fews times where i shouted at them for them to just shut up.. but after so many times i guessed i'm numbed already.. let them be.. i pity my poor youngest sister.. she just kept crying, crying and crying.. she's very attached to both my parents.. all i could do is give her a hug and clean away the tears.. nothing in my life seems right..

Only one thing is keeping me going at this point in time.. You.. i take everyday as once step closer to you.. a step of healing our wounds.. so that one fine day.. You'll be in my arms again.. maybe its just wishful thinking on my part.. but it has gotten me to where i am now.. and stopping just isnt an option.. i'm just fabricating my beautiful dream and i dont wana wake up of it.. I Love You...

What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things...

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy 2006 to everyone..!
May all of you have a wonderful year ahead..!

Passed the last few hours of 2005 with Gerald, Joel, Minkay, Jeremy, Shihan, Crystal, Huiping, Cassandra and Cuiwen.. had to squeeze through traffics of people.. felt like half the population was there.. lol.. anyway after much squeezing we managed to find a nice spot to catch the fireworks.. we just stood there chatting crapping.. then suddenly fireworks shot out of the sky.. i was like stunned cause like havent counted down yet.. but nvm.. enjoyed the spectacle.. the full 10 minutes of it.. City Hall was so packed we couldnt get it so we headed to Clarke Quay MRT Station took the north east line and went to Crystal's house.. Cleaned up and caught some DVDs.. but i dozed off many a times.. lol.. woke up at 9am.. slacked.. had our breakfast at 11am.. went home.. got home bathed.. family was going out although iw as reasonably tired.. i decide to at least start the year well.. so ya went out with them.. went to Parkway.. lots of people out.. we walked around scouting for clothing.. i bought a shirt.. was very tired.. dozed off a few times while sitting down..

During the fireworks spectacle.. through all the boomings of all the fireworks.. i put my hands together.. closing my eyes.. just praying for you.. praying for you to be successful in whatever you do.. hope God received my prayers.. and send his blessing to you.. sent you a special new year's greeting hope you received it.. thought about you alot today.. may my thoughts not stop flowing.. and my love for you be everlasting.. i may not be perfect but i'll change to be one.. i try again and again.. wishing that you would be with me for the welcoming of the new year in 2007..

What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do...