Fitness test tomorrow..
i'm dreading it..
just wana get it over with..
no longer the underdog..
used to have no pressure to perform..
just had to beat myself..
put juniors in the mix..
everything gets complicated..
pressure to perform..
expectations to be met..
spur on..!

No matter how cruel the world maybe..
i know i can depend on you..
someone i can talk to..
feelings come and go..
i'd just have to say don't be too sure..
chances are meant to be given..
not promised to be given..

Feeling crap/shit/lousy/dead/numbed/lonely/sucky..
just wana shut my eyes and ears..
from this cruel and unforgiving world..
where dreams lay shattered and heart's broken..
people change due to pressure to change..
i was more of forced to move along..
pushed and dragged..
deep down..
i just want things to stay as they are..
the use to be's and if's flood my mind..
the disappointment and regrets just suck..

I'm sick of wearing this mask..
this veil that holds me back..
from saying how i really feel..
thoughts will just flow..
nothing voiced out..
i'd revealed the real me to you only..

i just want to voice it all out to you..
i'm exploding..!
i cant take it anymore..

Can't things just be simple..?
i'm just not adapted to live in this world..
there's no me..
only you..

Time spent with friends..
are times well spent..
alas i see my 3 daughters..
had great fun of course..
although didn't get to see Minkay climb..
i know you did reasonably well..
it was your first competition anyway..
fret not many more to come..

I feel lousy all over again..
i needa let it all out..

Time won't wait for you..
but i will..

Freshie were selected to be in team..
handful with great potential..
followed by a rucksack of here and theres..
still good nonetheless..
feeling the heat already..
fitness test coming tuesday..
we're gonna do it together..

Expectations bring disappointment..
lack of aspirations bring failure..
don't disappoint..
failure is not an option..

It's very comforting..
to wake up every single day..
and say that your still important to me..
that your still in my heart and never left..
everyday is a journey of discovery..
so much to fail and learn..

At least i know i'm not forgotten..
but i'm just part of your memories..
whether beautiful or ugly..
can't i just whitewash it..
and we paint a better picture together..

Sincerity melts the hardest stones..
Love touches the toughest heart..

Damn i needa buck up for so much things..
school work needs to be understood..
been slacking for too long..
more effort to be put into trainings..
catching up to people who have trained longer..
there are time where you just feel lousy..
cause you wana do so much but limitations hold you back..
but you know you must make it or face utter disappointment..

Feeling kinda messed up and all..
just needed someone to talk to..
glad it was you..
no one could have done better..
i feel so much better..
thanks..

Perhaps now i know why you're so important to me..
cause your words matter the most..

pieces of me that just takes time to piece together..
but there'll always be a missing piece..
a part of me that left..
torn out of me..
but yet there's no hate..
the pain just faded away..
just the regrets from within me..
looking for the very piece of me that lies in you, your heart..

Sentosa-ed on Saturday..
Me, ShiHan, Gerald, Jeremy..
it rained when the got to HabourFront..
Dad was nice enough to fetch us in..
saved us the 3 bucks and waiting time..
from the exceptionally long queue..
Joel, Ele, MinKay and Abby came later..
the day passed quickly..
had great fun..
thanks all who made it possible..
more outings to come..? =)

First sea training today at Kallang..
after the 2 weeks of off season..
felt great to be back rowing..
coach told freshies about something that made me ponder..
he said in life sometimes we got only that 1 chance..
if race falls on the day that you're not at your best..
thats too bad for you not us..

Injuries are a common in DB..
training so long for something may lead to nothing..
months of training for few mintues of glory..
earth is a cruel place anyway..

One chance..
One shot..
No guts..
No glory..

I only ask for one chance..
to put it all right again..

My love for you overruns me sometimes..
and i just keep falling falling falling time and time again..

I'm sorry Ele..
perhaps i was too harsh with my words..
but if it were to happen tomorrow it'll be worse..
now i know we're gonna have fun tomorrow!

I'm down yet again..
the feelings keeps bringing the memories forward..
neither this or that works..
so much to say cooped inside me..
shout it out loud..
cry it all out..
maybe thats what i'll do tonight..

the mask just gets thicker & thicker..
perhaps thats why i seem better..

I Love You..
God forsake all the memories in me..
leave the love there..
feel the love radiating..
but no idea who is it for..

Training started today..
kinda slack..
the all familiar runs and pull ups..
back to pool for the usual row..?
no..! lol..
we played a form of basketball in the pool..
lyk waterpolo just that we had to shoot into the hoops..
had great fun..
training's never been better..
striving and improving..

You're sweet complexions bring so much painful regrets..
regrets of me failing come to haunt me..
i don't want to love again..
unless its you..
idiosyncrasy..
no one thinks lyk me..

There's too much that revolves around me that i just can't stop to admire..
cause in my eyes there's only you..

Damn whenever i see you online..
i just feel something inside me swirling..
those feelings that were with me..
would just revive themselves..
everything flows back lyk a gushing river..
i can't stop thinking why should i..
mayb thinking is just another gateway..
to relieve everything thats inside..
tears allow me to feel weak..

i'm a sensitive dud..
and it sucks to be that way..
wished i was insensitive..
then i can act as though nothing happened..
wished i was hard-hearted..
then i can have no feelings whatsoever..

No i can't my friends need me.. =)

It's all part of being content with the imperfections of your own life..

My right eyelid has been twitching non stop..
what does it mean..
maybe i'm just tired..
i'm a sucker for superstitions..
and horoscope stuffs too.. =)

Practically stayed at home the whole day..
lunch-ed with parents out..
training starting again..
something to look forward to at least..

To the world you might just be one person..
but to one person you might just be the world..

you're locked in..
i'll live on..

Life's plain sailing..
kinda started the ball rolling again..
the grey clouds are gone..
and the sun is rising..
at least i feel that way..

Classmates have been great..
really connect with all of them..
they speak their minds and we have fun together..
no holds barred just don't push the limits..
i enjoyed today.. =)

After 8 months i finally lay the matter to rest..
i know what you want..
you know what i want..
you'll always hold that important place in my heart..
thats it..

Whatever that happened yesterday..
i don't know whether i should call it a blessing or curse..
your words were harsh but direct..
all my questions and doubts were answered..
everything didn't hurt till this morning..
i woke up and reality came crashing down on me..
i didn't fall.. i didn't tear..
i knew exactly what was to be done..
cause everything i've done was thought through..
none of them was based on reckless or rash pursuits..

I'll love you..
even if you don't love me..
no one said it must be returned..

Just want the best for you..
then i'll know i'll be at peace with myself..

i feel kinda schizophrenic..
slipping in and out of my thoughts..
kinda acting lyk 2 different people..
i really hate long & lonely bus rides..
always make me think, remember & regret..
i won't know what will hit me next..
just too random a person..

my heart haven't hurt since..
tears do flow once in awhile..
washing away my thoughts..
i've come to accept everything..
to really understand everything or at least try..
there's no denying that you're gonna be hard to replace..
for a start i'm not even suppose to replace you..
to just find a substitute cause i can't..
you hold the utmost position in my heart..
i'll always love you..

Mayb i'm just destined to live lyk this..
i'm not complaining..
cause its comforting to know..
you really mean so much to me..
i've found solace in loving you..
loving someone so deeply can be a beautiful thing..
don't expect or expectations will fall hard..

to love someone deeply gives you strength..
being love by someone deeply gives you courage..

i'll always be your courage..

Oh yea.. Happy Birthday Mum..

Ele found me this..

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met..
don't ever give up if you still want to try..
don't ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry..
don't ever settle for an answer if you still want to know.
don't ever say you don't love him if you can't let him go..
You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel..
I love you more than anything..
why am I such a fool..
cause love is blind..

I tink it speaks exactly how i feel..
what i wana say..
just that i've learnt to accept the fact..
i've learnt.. i've moved..
to what extent..
i'll never know..

I hate the feeling of helplessness..
the feeling of sitting there doing nothing..
cause whatever you do would not help..
just sitting there praying..
for something to happen..
that day seem so far away..
is doing nothing considered doing something..?

i can only hope..

What's with me..
moods come and go freely..
i can't control them..
mood swings..

The old me is long gone..
the old me would not have held on..

the feelings are still there..
still trying..

Damn i hate my feelings..
it can't be fine..
it haunts you for life..
this regret..
memories ain't suppose to haunt..
god knows when i'll just break down..
just stop and do nothing..

at least the physical pain on my chest is taking away all the pain..

School work is piling up..
needa get rid of them..
everyday is just a passing day..
required to make the next day..

I find myself short of feelings..
lack of thoughts..
just not thinking..
reminding myself..
blog entries are getting shorter..
maybe thats the way i lyk it..
short and sweet..

There were times where..
i just have a rush of feelings..
feelings the tears well up my eyes..
i shut myself out..
holding back..
pushing myself back to reality..
in which i wear a smile..
everything happens in a split second..
i thought i'm fine..
then everything repeats again..

What am i doing with my life..?
What is life..?

It ain't easy..
what i'm setting out to do..
i just need your support..
care and concern..
i know i've learnt..
i know i've moved..
how long can this go on..
no matter how determined i am to move on..
i know i won't make it without your help..

just a little care..
just a little concern..
not too much to ask for..
is it..?

I wana move on..
lyk really..
friends ease me through..
remind me..

Actually i've learnt so much..
i've moved just unknowingly..

In everything we fight for..
fighting for love seems the most logical..
and i love myself..