Left home at 10.20am..
headed to Kallang..
freshies had orientation row..
the weather was real hot..
i was dead tired by mid-day..
had dinner at Lau Pa Sat with all DB ppl..
supposedly to mark the start of the new DB season..
headed home..
slept on the MRT on the way home..

Shit happens..

I hate my parents..
they don't understand me..
they don't know how i feel everyday..
been feeling for the past half year..
i never talked to them about it..
wore a mask at home..
i was tired and down..
i was a fuse ready to just explode..
and i did..

Words came from their mouths just broke my heart..
you're a unfillial..
is this how you respect your parents..
telling my sisters don't follow my example..
you're useless..
and other so damn hurting words..

All i can say is..
past 17 years and 4 months of my life..
i've respected you..
i've honoured you..
i've done everything to make you proud..
and you still don't know the real me..
i'm disappointed..
very..

In your eyes i'm a bastard now..

Some people are destined for greatness..
I'm destined to be lyk this and feel lyk that..
I'll not prove you wrong..
I've resigned to fate..

Suddenly i miss you very much..

its only when you lost everything..
you realised you had everything..

Nickelback - Far Away
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
Cause you know,you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
Cause you know,you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Today's training was tough..
due to the climate i guess..
weather was lyk very hot and humid..
rowing was very tiring..
couldn't feel my shoulders after the row..
it started to get very painful after each movement..
couldn't even lift my arm..
i think its the shoulder joint overstrained..

Got that "i suck" feeling again..
my feelings..
my moods..
so irregular..
every little thing can hurt me..
i get worried over things beyond my control..
i find no sense or purpose doing what i've been doing..
but there's no will to change outside of my comfort zone..

Some Feelings came..
Other feelings went..
but my feelings for you never changed..

Dropped my phone Thursday morning..
just watched finished soccer and was feeling groggy..
the LCD broke..
only can see half screen..
god-damn sad..
Dad reckons the phone is "sway"..
Mum has M1 voucher to spend..
i got a new phone..
Sony Ericsson W800i..
well i paid half..
too good for me..
i don't deserve it..

Had a hard time fiddling both phones to transfer the numbers..
with the half seen LCD..
lost some numbers..
too lazy..

I realised in our lives..
people come and people go..
some people leave great impressions..
other's you doesn't even catches your eyes..
looking through all my numbers..
i asked myself..
why can't things just stay in place and not change..
suddenly feel lyk life is so rushed..
can't i just sit down and have a break..
then i realised..
no one is gonna wait for you if you stop..

Living a forced life..

Deleting all the stuffs in my handphone can be quite enlightening..
all the memories be it good or bad..
are part and parcel of our lives..

felt lyk i've just hit the reset button..
going through everything again..

You're messages..
You're pictures..
the wonderful memories..
the painful regrets..

School was only 2 hours..
1 Tutorial 1 Lecture..
11am to 1pm..
now i'm home..
leaving for DB training soon..

Updating now cause i won't be online tonight..
class starts at 8am tomorrow..
i'll most probably knock out after getting home..

I feel incredibly lousy today..
i hate the lonely bus rides..
listening to your mp3 playing darn love songs..
seeing lovey-dovey couples..
having eyes for only each other..
without a care about how other people look at them..
Yes, i am envious..
It only makes me wonder..
why can't i be with the person i love so very much..?
questions run through my head..
making myself sulk through the ride..
sitting at the corner with myself to comfort..

I can't love another..
You're too special..
Maybe you're just too good for me..
That's why i don't deserve you..
Maybe that's why..

Didn't attend lectures today..
took leave of absence to help out at DB booth..
attended APEL2 and Sociology tutorials only..
more or less into school mode..
all i do is just study and train..
no time for outings/activities/movies/hang out..
sacrifice made to my lifestyle..
it'll pay off..

DB training's keeps me fit..
keeps me tired..
keeps me focused..
So that i can't think of you..

Never felt this way before..
just Numbed..

Fitness test..
still 8 chin-ups per minute..
could have done 10..
50 sit-ups per minute..
2 sets of 55 and 49 push ups per minute..
9.51 minutes for 2.4km run..
that's lyk the fastest i ever ran..
amazing it didnt feel tiring at all..

I was very focused..
I told myself to let it all out..
all the pain i suffered..
was nothing compared to the burning of lactic acid..
most of all i wanted to do well for you..
You were on my mind the whole time..

Beginning to reaccept myself again..
but what if 爱你等于爱自己..?

I'm just numbed from all that happened..
My perception of relationships has been changed 180..

First day of school..
glad to see all my friends again..
time-table was okay..
not as bad as expected..
alot of lab work..
helped out a little at CCA Open House too..
will be helping out again for another 2 days..
fitness test tomorrow..
i'll do well..

幸福搭配悲伤..
痛是在我心交叉..
挫折的眼泪不能测试爱的重量..
付出的爱收不回..
还欠你的我不能给..
别把我心也带走去跟随..

Past 3 days has been hectic for me..
Temasek Regatta on Friday..
Moving of Boats on Saturday Morning..
Training on Saturday afternoon..
Training on Sunday afternoon..

Bus trips were spent thinking..
so much was going through my mind..
i wanted to just be with you..
too many factors stopping us..

but..
how can i give up on someone so dear to me..
was i even wrong to have loved you in the first place..
was i ever wrong to have held on..

till now..
I've yet to come to an answer..
dun wana be influenced by my tiredness..

I'll love myself..
cause i believe..
that's where the healing process will start..
in me..

Will i ever regret..?
or move on..?
time will tell..

王力宏《Kiss Goodbye》
baby不要再哭泣
这一幕多么熟悉
紧握着你的手彼此都舍不得分离
每一次想开口但不如保持安静
给我一分钟专心
好好欣赏你的美

幸福搭配悲伤
痛是在我心交叉
挫折的眼泪不能测试爱的重量
付出的爱收不回
还欠你的我不能给
别把我心也带走去跟随

每一次和你分开深深的被你打败
每一次放弃你的温柔痛苦难以释怀
每一次和你分开每一次
kiss you goodbye
爱情的滋味此刻我终于最明白

Thanks to myself..
i thought so damn much..
but the reason was yet so simple..
the way you put it was so elegant..
I never expected you to say..
why..?
it totally tore me apart..
guess i was wrong to express myself..
telling how i feel deep down was a mistake..
a huge one..
A million tears will not make me any better..

I've never blamed you for every single hurt..
deep down..
i believed that everything that happened was my fault..

I'll never recover..
cause of what you said..

Already at the bottom..
hit me and i'll still be there..

If only you could feel..
how much i love you..

Maybe you'll meet someone..
and feel the same way..
just the way i felt..

I'm just hanging on that fine thread..
i've never given up..
i will never give up..

Its a fine line between life and death..
and i'm on that fine line..

-Justin's Dead-

My head is lyk filled with helium gas..
feels so light..
can't be the lack of sleep..
more of the lack of the correct time of sleep..
school starting next week..
needa set my body clock back on track..

Met up with Joel and Ele in the late afternoon..
returned ZhenHong his book..
headed off for a light dinner at BK DTE..
went over to Jeremy's place for a few rounds of mahjong..
went home and took my second dinner..
Needa help out for the practice runs for Temasek Regatta tomorrow..
still got training after..
tomorrow will be a long day..

I've been thinking so much..
so much i wana say..
but the urge wasn't there..
knew you had no time for all my nonsense..
just felt right to do nothing..

When your heart tells you to do something..
Hesitate and let your mind go through..
Or you might end up hurting the people you love..

I'm at a point of no turning back..
cause i don't want to..
and nobody is going to stop me..
cause its my life..

I'm god-damned sure of how i feel for you..
Believe me..
Trust me..
Love me..

If you asked me if i love you this much..
I do..

It rained heavily today after i reached school..
training was on nonetheless..
but it was delayed for lyk half an hour..
we all decided to lyk row..
but i didnt feel right to row..
an intuition to just not go..
captain told us it was our choice to go down..
kept quiet and decided to just go with the flow..
since the weather was changing for the better..
headed to Bedok Reservoir, which was lyk nxt to the school..
got onto the pontoon..
into the boats..
rowed to the middle of the reservoir..
lightning struck a structure in the not too far distance..
the lightning bolt shone through my eyes..
and the following thunder sent shivers down my spine..
obviously we're all shaken and decided to head back to shore..
nearly FD 4 in the making..

Did 2 sets of 50 jumping jacks, push up and crunches..
followed by sets of 55 pull ups.. (55 cause in accordance to your weight, i'm 55kg)
dry rowing to prefect our technique..
kinda slack day..
i wana run..!

I thought so much about yesterday..
why did i even do what i did..
and why did you give it back..
i'm so confused..
the moment had everything..
so unexplainable..
so wonderful..
yet saddening..
how ironic..

For a moment like this..
Some people wait a lifetime..

Stayed at home all day..
feeling great after today's break..
more training to come tomorrow..
just pull ups, rowing and running i think..
or at least i hope..
school started already for some friends..
looking at their schedule..
i'm not too optimistic about mine..
timetable would be out 20th April..
busy week..
needa help out in temasek regatta..

Its been 6 month since the day..
I realised..
I've thought through so much..
I've grown to understand and cherish what i have..
cause what's gone may not always come back again..
I love all my friends..
for what they did to pull me up..
I'll never forget you guys..

Time spent with you..
no matter how short..
was time well spent..

I was nervous..
I was afraid..
You were warm..

I understand you're position..
and i'm gonna respect your decision..
Please respect mine too..

i love you..

Body felt the achings of the Saturday's training..
still had to go again..
the run was okay..
pull ups was hard..
did sets of high recovery rowing..
very tiring..
and a non-stop 40 minutes row..
hiong.. but i like.. lol..
rest day tomorrow..
like finally..

Do or Die..
Outcome..?
God knows..
Please be by my side..

Was at Kallang for DB training..
we just rowed non stop..
improving our strokes..
oh ya.. we did the usual runs and pull ups..
training makes me happy..
exercise releases happy hormones.. =)
although i feel abit shagged..
more training tomorrow..!

I'm still like confused over all these..
Should i or should i not..?
Do it and know the answer..
Or forever keep my silence..
And burn..?

There are so many what ifs..
If only i know..
What are answers to the what ifs..

Went shopping at Orchard..
ShiHan, Jeremy and Ele..
just kept walking around Orchard..
nothing really caught my eyes..
Joel came later..
more walk arounds..
headed off to Suming's house for mahjong..
ordered pizza for dinner..
left early..

The feelings were always there..
the moment i saw you..
i knew it was true..

God pull me through this phase..
and i'll be eternally grateful..

I never really knew what was love..
till i met you..

DB training today..
body was still aching from the previous gym session..
got through nonethless..
without much scars..
just more achings muscles..

training lets me escape reality..
keep my mind focused..
on task at hand..

Keeps me tired through the night..
and makes me stronger..

i hope what i'm doing is right..
at least thats what i think..
God give me a sign..

Joel's call woke me up..
went for brunch with him and ele..
went home..
did what i've been doing for the past days..
slack..

today i felt little better than the past days..
maybe cause i did something..
was a huge step for me even if may seem meagre to some..
the next step is even harder to climb..
may take days.. months.. even years..

nonetheless, still down..
i'll be out soon..
there's only so much i can take..

i still can't grasp the fact that you're not here anymore..
i've been living in denial..
denial of the facts that haunts me only at bedtime..
where there is a free flow of tears..
leaving a broken heart..
to sleep..

if only i'm healed..
if only i forgot you..
if only...

林俊杰 - 害怕
wu...... wo.......
我突然觉得有点怕
爱跟生活的一切
你以为我知道怎么拆开
我们的想法落差
*我的爱
是说停不能停
已经弄的不能说是曾经
也可说出我是错的
爱未曾变成真的
也没藏到多少你需要的爱
我不再
去执拙我是谁
我是我在夜里掉的眼泪
也可说我看不开的
为你我能做的
竟还没让你相信是爱情
左右你我
而哭泣都是因为爱
也逼自己不掉泪
让往日不只是有你
这网里我也撑着
拼了命的守着

Headed down to gym..
after waking up at lyk 1pm..
just slacked around the house..
watching tv..
just felt comfy to sit around..
and do nothing but laze..
at gym did some running..
weights..

Life just seems so lost perhaps..?
its a feeling inside me i can't describe..
alittle bit of being lost/confuse/lack of confidence/low self-esteem/down..
just feels terrible..

Seriously..
I'll do anything to get you back..
My heart aches..
My eyes tear..
Every single night..
i dread going to bed..
cause its unbearable..

I woke up at 4pm..
thinking it was like morning.. lol..
can't believe i slept till 4pm..!
sleep debt from the 2 nights i owe..
more than half the day gone..
i just slacked at home..
munched on snacks..
watched discovery channel..
couch potato..

I'm tired..
can't stand myself anymore..
the way i am..
the way i act..
the way i feel..

Sick of the way i am..

I must Change..!

Chalet's over in a flash..
had much fun..
did so much things..
great to be able to spend time with everyone..

disappointed with the bbq..
thanks to all that attended..
we'll meet up soon again..

i'll add more thoughts at nite..
somehow its easier for me to express myself..
i'm tired..

Back..

Never knew there were so much preparations for a chalet..
sweep floor, mop floor, wipe tables, marinade chicken, move this, move that..
prepare the charcoal, go buys this, buy that, cycle here, cycle there..
not forgetting mahjong, screaming card games, idiot card games..
no wonder i'm so tired..

I just realised no one understands me..
family and friends..
sick of this life..
sick of feeling this shit everyday..
but i can't help it..

I'm such a surface person..
not trying to say i'm shallow..
but i may seem happy..
deep down its just sucks..

I need enlightenment..
or whatever that helps..

It's your day..
i wished you..
misunderstanding..
sad life..

I've always clung on..
I've never let go..
on the hope we'll be together again..

Why is it that in all i do..
it's still you..

I'm a dumb fuck..

I just feel unwanted..

Screwed too many people along the way..

Off to Chalet..
Be back on Sunday..

As the day drafts near..
i'm here empty handed..
i'll get you something..
i promise..

Stayed at home..
been playing winning eleven..
the master league is so hard to understand..
but trust me i'm getting better.. =)
went over to Grandma's place for dinner..
been long since i last saw her..
used to be in and out everyday when i was young..
now its like 1 time per week..
just wana be a kid again..

Offended some people lately..
mood swings i guess..
sometime i just hate myself..
all the things that i do..
i always try to please every single one..
but sometimes i piss everyone..
i'm sorry..
i'm so random..

Friendster Horoscope for me today says :
If there's one thing you're not lacking today it's patience. You're patient and you're patient and you're patient and then you're patient some more. That's good -- to a point. With patience, as with all things, you shouldn't overdo it. Moderation in patience is a virtue too, and if somebody is trying your patience too much, try a little impatience with them in the afternoon. You might even try downright annoyance, if impatience doesn't get results. Don't worry -- you've earned the right to be demanding.

I'll be patient from now on..
Swear to God..
I'll think before i talk too..
but sometimes its just so easy to just shoot off words..
I'll think twice..
maybe even thrice..

要等待我的爱..
陪你永不离开..

DB training was light today..
team going to Danga so slack training..
did sets of 5 minutes rowing..

Me and ShiHan went down to Bedok for dinner..
met up with CK, DJ, MinKay, ZhenHong..
PeiNing, Sarah and Doris..
had the famous Ba Chor Mee (Minced Pork Noodle)..
been long since i had it..
the standard like dropped..
had sambal stingray later..
sweated like a pig as usual.. lol..
my pores are very active to any stimulant of chilli..
had Ah Balling Tang Yuan too..
peanut rocks!
slacked around..
chat a little..

Miss hang around with you all..
we should do this more often..
Lepak Bodoh!

Spoilt and Fucked up dinner..
You make no sense..
its not like i care about what she thinks..
its more of my principles..
i'm not a shallow person..
and i don't want to be seen as one..
i've always tried to maintain friendships..
putting myself forward in any difficult situation any may face..
but since when have our conversation been serious and up-tight..
it was more of random thoughts that came to my mind..
things i said were for you guys.. not for the whole world to spectacle..
bottom line.. I'm sorry about what i said..
The things i said were not meant to hurt or reflect me in anyway..
cause you guys know me.. she don't..

A cracked glass panel will always be cracked..
it will not heal or recover..
the cracks will only grow bigger with each knock..

Will you ever know of the tears i shed every night...

Slacked at home..
resting..
recovering..

It rained heavily in the afternoon..
guess the rain cloud was just above my block..
the lightning and thunder were instantaneous..
i love the rain..

林俊杰 <<会有那么一天>>
一九四三世界大战
阿嬷年轻的时候
爷爷爱他那么多
他们感情很深
但是爷爷身负重任
就在离乡的那夜
给了阿嬷一个吻
轻声说到

我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一天
我们牵著手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你

夕阳西下鸟儿回家
阿嬷躺在病床上
呼吸有一点散漫
眼神却很温柔
看著爷爷湿透的眼
握著他粗糙的手
阿嬷的泪水开始流
轻声说道

More DB training..
mentally and physically used to training..
just need to build on strength plus rowing technique..
team leaving for Danga on Thursday..
maybe i'll send them off..
while their gone..
i'll take the chance to go to gym..
cause they'll surely be shagged after race..
need to condition themselves..
while i push on..

Pushing on till i'm unsure of myself..
If i never fell in love with you..
we would at least be friends..

DB Training..
getting into the groove of rowing..
and enjoying it..
takes major coordination and endurance..
its not just the biceps or forearm for that matter..
using your arms will only tire you out sooner..
it takes the whole body to row..
Technique Perseverence Discipline Bonding..

No matter how hard i try..
to hide..
to avoid..
to numb myself..
there'll always be this thing missing in me..

Caught The Hills have Eyes finally!
gory scenes..
blood..
mutated humans by radioactivity..
killing of bypasses..
burning of live man..
chopping of fingers using an axe..
nice action sequence..
lousy story line..
the ending felt sudden and hangy..
rating: Scary parts worth the watch..

Oh ya..
i was with..
Gerald, ShiHan, Jeremy,
Cassandra, Suming and Shereen..

To see you..
I shut my eyes..