Fitness test..
12 chin-ups per minute..
58 sit-ups per minute..
2 sets of 51 and 55 push ups per minute..
9.44 minutes for 2.4km run..

Striving to better myself after each and every month..
i know i can..

Training totally kicks ass..

Improvement for all stations..
the run was hard..
wanted to gave up..
something kept me going..
my legs felt weak and especially tired..
pictured you in my mind..
it pushed me..
i knew i had to..
for you..

Baby you're the one that keeps me going..
cause every step i take..
every breath i breathe..
hoping that one day it takes me to you..
you and only you..

I needa start studying now..
right now..
term test is next week..
training would still be on..
needa manage my time well..
damn i hate exams..

Fitness test tomorrow..
the pressure is on me..
i versus myself..
i wana better my record..
i must do it..
for you i must..
i'm gonna do it..
failure not an option..

Limits are set by the body..
the mind has no limits..

The feeling is reeling back again..
slowly but surely..
life's a vicious cycle anyway..
i've been through once, twice, three times..
i'll make it through..
but deep down..
i know..
i love you..

it hurts so much again..
everything comes back to haunt me..

Where'd you go..
i missed you so..
seems lyk its been forever..
that you've been gone..

the pain ricochets through my whole..

Training felt short today..
did lyk warm up and 2 race sets..
fitness test coming..
gonna do better..
i'm sure..

i'm tired..
at least my body feels so..
been so long since i really slept well..
time to readjust my biological alarm clock..
i wana sleep early and feel good again..

Life is a jig saw puzzle..
Everything is in place..
the jig saw's almost complete
just that 1 piece missing..
i believe that piece is you..

Everything seems different..
where do i start..
to begin with do i even start..

Why do i still tear in the middle of the night..

CCN Day today..
spent lyk 7 over bucks on snacks..
see friends must buy.. lol..
money goes to needy students so alright..
Jeremy came over to TP..
to check out some "stuffs"..
he felt happy so should be good..

We headed down along with ShiHan and Ele..
took a bus to Suntec..
Gerald came..
watched X-Men 3..
action packed..
but still felt the sequel couldn't live up to expectations..
good show nonetheless..

Headed back to Tampines..
met up with HuiPing and Crystal..
had dinner at subway..
crapped alot..
enjoyed myself..
just sit down and chat..
time flew..
i miss those times..

I still don't know why i still tear at night..
every breath seems heavier..
every step seems harder..
till when..

Did weights with timing today..
felt so weak..
was it the medication..
or was it my body..
felt lyk my body dipped in fitness..
usually i'll feel good after the run..
today i felt just below par..
maybe cause of my swollen feet..
hope everything gets better..

I got 2 tests tomorrow..
Program Automation and Engineering Maths..
i hope to pass..
can only hope..
i tried studying..
kinda got the stuffs in..
God save me..

I like sitting on the bus..
just listening to songs..
some personal time to think through..
maybe i should try looking on the bright side..
instead of being so gloomy..

How i act outside and how i feel inside..
totally different..
its only when i'm alone i realised i never got over you..
at least i had you some may say..
at least means nothing to me..
i want to love you on and on..
through it all..
you're the one..
and i'm the one that lost you..

I may doubt myself..
i've never doubted you..

I'm channeling all my energy to dragonboat..
i aim to do very well..
physically..
mentally..
technically..
i wana go for every race..
i wana win cookies..

Went to polyclinic today..
Swollen feet due to infection of my cuts..
doc gave me antibiotics and cream to apply..
what thought to be appendicitis..
was only a muscle strain in my tummy..
doc gave me muscles relaxation painkillers..

All i do..
i do it for you..
if only you knew..
how much i love you..

Living a lie..
that you'll be back..
i'd rather it be this way..

Hanging on is sometimes better than letting go..
cause when you let go..
a part of you dies along with it..
i don't want it to happen to me..

Loving you was the best thing that happened to me..
Losing you was the worse..

My left feet is swollen..
abrasion from yesterday's rowing..
lead to infection i tink..
it hurts..
washed the wound..
put some anti-infection cream..
my left leg is full of injuries..

every i take step hurts..
but if every step takes me closer to you..
i don't mind..

I cringe and squim..
the feeling is unbearable..
if only everything can end in a flash..
without feelings, regrets and love..

Baby, what must i do to stop..
Loving You..

More rowing today..
i think my technique is almost there..
needa work on my consistency and power..
needa get my strength up..
but where to find time when training is alternate..
i can't be lyk exercising everyday..
no time to recover..
how to improve..

My mind's blank today..
nothing coherent to say..
everything is in my heart..
i can't seem to get the words out..
everything inside seems in a swirl..
one thing's for sure..
you're still there..

Had rowing session at Kallang..
training has become part and parcel of my life..
can't imagine how i would feel without training..
weak, lousy and all..
i have to like sweat few times every week..
if not my body feels as though in cold turkey..
i need training..

Been so long since we all gathered..
just walked..
talked..
crapped..
and shopped..
i'll gladly do this again..

Saw a middle-aged man on the MRT today..
blasting my mp3 away..
at first i thought he was on his headset..
then i began to see weird glances aimed at him..
he talked pretty loudly..
people giggled at the corner of the trains..
i pitied him..
i felt sad..
all in my mind was..
what happened to him..
mid life crisis..
i prayed..

No words can explain how much i miss you since..
it just feels wrong every single day..
now and then the feelings come and go..
its been with me ever since..
I've never really let you go..
why'd you ever let go..
i've never stood up..
i've never recovered..

I don't want to turn back time..
for it wouldn't allow me to know..
how much you really mean to me..

Watched Da Vinci Code with classmates..
great show, solving anagrams and riddles..
lucky haven't got the time to read the book..
borrowed from CK and its lyk sitting on my table..
would be lyk so spoiler to know the storyline..
go catch it..
worth the money..

My heart longs for you..
i don't know what's driving me on..
through all this..
love? regret? knowing it all could be better?
i've no idea myself..
life's been good for me..
better if you're here..

Through all and all..
i realised..
it's you..

If you're worth the wait..
why shouldn't i wait..
makes sense..

Havin a mini break from training..
feeling good again..
allowing physical wounds to heal..
race is 1 month away..
time to buck up..
no time to slack..
juggling studies and trainings..
i'll make it through..

I held your hand..
somehow you said "Oh shit !"..
but gave me a beautiful smile..
we walked..
we talked..
just as old times..
i was contented..
felt so close to my heart..
a feeling i never felt since we broke up..

woke up realising it was all a dream..
remembered only the vivid details..

Have i loved too deeply..
always thought it was all meant to be..
you for me..
me for you..
together..
never apart..

That thought seems so far away now..
i'll hold on to that glimmer of hope..
why put yourself through all this you may ask..
i'll say cause..
i love her..
perhaps too much..

How much can a person change over half a year..
I believe what you did was for a reason..
thats not the real you..

Happy Mother's Day..
everyday should be mother's day..
instead of waving off their naggings..
and ranting how much they mess up our lives..
we should learn to appreciate them..
they deserve a whole lot better..

Had a simple vegetarian fair at a restaurant..
simple yet meaningful..
the way i like..

Time pasts so quickly..
so fast i can't catch up..
hours felt lyk minutes..
i find no time to do so many things..
i find no time for myself..
i just want to stop..

You were my first..
feels as though you're my last..
my heart died along with you..
how can it ever be revived..
it no longer hurts..
the emptiness inside me..
makes me wonder will i ever accept another..
i'm afraid to love again..
to go through everything..
the sweetness doesn't tempt me..
the bitterness haunts me..

There wasn't a single time where i thought of another to be with..

Meant to be or not meant to be..
thats the questions where everyone wants the answer to..

My heart felt it was meant to be..
Everyone thought otherwise..

The Sweetness and Bitterness of Love..

Back from camp..
i expected more from camp..
mental limits were not really pushed..
physically it was alright..
i feel good.. must be the long night sleep..
lots of rest time..
my expectation of camps too NPCC lyk..
must be shagged.. lol..
but it was meaningful..
getting to know team mates better..
Technique Perseverance Discipline Bonding..

Mind over matter..
Its amazing what your will can do..

People change..
i didn't expect you to..
so drastically..
perhaps all i did was change you..
for better for worse..
perhaps i deserve to be treated lyk this..
all i left behind were destruction..
nothing good to look back and say..
i've done this right..
i've failed..
i've forgotten the sight..
of holding my head up high..
my head hangs over my neck..

Failure wasn't an option..
I've never thought of what to do if i failed..
Wrenching pain in my heart..

Off to training camp..
pray that i'll survive..
rather i WILL survive..

Correct mentally goes a long way..
even if your body gives up..

My words do not touch your heart where i once stood..
perhaps its time for me to move on..
i'll always remember the wonderful times spent..
you'll always hold an important place in my heart..

Omg i'm tearing again..
at least it makes me feel better..

Extract from Sheena's blog..
which i find very meaningful..
think before you speak next time..

Words are very powerful..
Words can hurt or heal..
Build up or tear down..
Comfort or curse..

Time to buck up on my studies..
start earlier better than to struggle later..
no time to really sit down and study..
i'll try..

APEL today was at TCC..
talking about how to love yourself..
BGR relationships..
needs, courtships, imtimacy, etc..
whole load of things that teens..
think we already know so well..
we'll i listened..
it all made some sense..
thoughts flowing in my mind..

i've made my stand..
i don't need to change anything..
i promise not to regret..
i do love you..

I promise to..
stay as happy as i can..
love my family..
love my friends..
to do well in my studies..
Most importantly..
to love you..

If you asked me how much i love you..
there won't be an answer..
just too much to count..

What's the point of it all..
When all i ever want is you..

Training has been upped substantially..
training camp is this friday..
kinda looking forward to it..
wanna know my breaking point..
mentally and attitude..
will get me through..

I feel so much inside me..
the love, regret, memories and pain..
i failed so miserably..
time and time again..
I may never find another as wonderful..
you're my life's regret..
my heart never found another since..
i've never let go..
why let me go..?
totally lost..
partially numbed..
God save me..
i'm near the end..
pull me back..

I've accepted this as part of my life..
i don't dread it..
feelings come and go..
so do pain..
memories..
love..

I can't give up..
perhaps i never will..
I've loved too deeply..

Longest day of school..
8am lessons all the way to 4pm..
6pm to 7pm Sociology lecture..
7pm to 9.30pm freshie training..
gonna be one hella of a week..

pool training tomorrow..
my ass and legs hurt..
abrasions from rowing..
battle scars..

Do you treat everyone lyk this..
or is it just me..?

My guess is it's just me..
a hopeless fool hanging on after so long..
a pest just trying to irritate you time and time again..
a person just so hard to love..

Was everything my choice..? my fault..?

My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me another..

Perhaps things that come cheap are never cherished..

The pain never really subsided..

Teared and shattered..
how much it hurts..

I realise i keep saying training's tough..
i mean its training..
therefore, it must be tough..
did lyk 8 sets of power fast rowing..
from pontoon to Sheares Bridge..
estimate it to be around 1km..
took lyk 7 ~ 8 minutes to complete each set..

I was disheartened..
I was disappointed..
But i was sure you had your difficulties..
I don't blame you..

I've come to a point..
where pain doesn't matter..
cause either i can take anything..
or i'm numbed to everything..

My mind has becomed more rational..
i think more about others..
i try to offer good advices..
i care more..

I'm satisfied with life now..
only you can make it better..
and i'm prepared to wait..

You hold the key to my heart..
take your time to open it..
i'll wait..

This is the beginning..
of a hectic week ahead..
all the way to next Sunday..

Train train train train..

Rowing was tough today..
30 minutes of consistent paced rowing..
never felt so shagged before..
more pain tomorrow..

i'm loving the pain..
its all in the mind..

Tiredness..
Pain..
keep you off my mind..
it hurts..
my heart..

Had 3 hours of lab..
1 hour of tutorial..
ended at 12pm..

Played badminton with mates..

I feel the lactic acid..
in my biceps, shoulders, thigh and hamstring..
still got training tomorrow..

I think i'm hopeless..
6 months and counting..
i haven't been able to forget you..

Even as my heart hurt and tears burnt my eyes..

What will i give to have you back..?
i thought through..
i realised i would give anything and everything..
really..

Life just seems so bleak..
Its just you..
You're so special to me..

If only you could feel how much i love you..
maybe you'll understand..

Free falling..
falling falling falling..
when will i ever hit the cold hard ground..

Training was tough today..
weights felt heavier den usual..
maybe cause of the increased set..
and i arrived late due to rearranged lecture..
everything was rushed..
didn't have enough time to rest before subsequent set..

I'm tired..
inside..
outside..

Sometimes i wish that all these feelings will go away..
they never did..
i've led myself to believe the impossible..

Don't tell me to stop..
Don't tell me to let go..
Don't tell me there's another..

There's only a one and only you..

I'm going down..
deep deep down..
just when i thought i can't fall any harder..
i did..

Had pool training yesterday..
yes it was quite tough..

Helped out for Freshie training today..
tired out from the jog..
100 push ups we did with them..
tomorrow still got weights training..
i'm gonna faint..
been sleeping for lyk 6 hours per day..
i need my 8 hours sleep..!

Can't believe what i got so pissed over..
i'm just disappointed..
can't we just all go get it..
its unfair..
tts what i feel..

I have such a strong sense of rightness..
and its gonna pull me down..
kindness begets kindness..
but does good beget good..
i don't think so..
human's aren't as simple nowadays..

I just want a simple life..

Maybe i love you so much..
cause you're simply..
simple..

Worked at Chijmes..
was a wedding dinner..
the interior was very church like..
those church like glass planes..
high lateral pillars..
nice and cosy..
distributed food..
cleared plates..
served drinks..
easy job for pretty good pay..

I can't love another..
my days are spent thinking..
do you detest me..
am i so hard to love..
why do i love you so much..
do you even feel anything..
am i suppose to let go..
was i even wrong to love you..

A million words can't describe how i feel..

3 words mean so much..
I Love You..

Life's full of regrets..
i've regretted letting you go..
never regretted or blamed you for the state i'm in..

I can't let go..

I miss you baby..
i really do..

As the groom walked down the aisle with his bride..
i thought to myself..
will i ever find someone i really love..
willing to to walk down the aisle with me..